A Music therapist and her Mom's Mind

In the fall of 2023, my Mom was self-sufficient, sharp and still very much engaged with life. 

A week later down in her Caribbean home, she could not complete tasks such as cooking, and each day she was increasingly erratic. 

We eventually found a doctor on the island who could not definitively diagnose what was going on, but gave her medications to help calm her. She was exhibiting psychotic behaviour and in retrospect, it was most likely she was experiencing delirium alongside whatever else was going on, according to the specialists that later were assigned to her case.

Mom was intelligent of mind and by her own account excellent at mathematics. She also was a good writer and was someone who could help with any grammar questions my brother and I had within our essays for school.

She took great pride that the lawyers that she partnered with on insurance claims were always impressed with her summaries and how well written they were.

When she was flown home to Canada accompanied by my brother and Dad, then walked through the door, it was obvious this was not the same mother who I last saw.

After an emergency appointment with her family doctor, we settled in for being on board to help our Mom in this new reality, where she was confused more than not, unable to do the things she could back before November 2023.

A very good cook, who always prepared the meals three times a day for the family when we were still under my parents' roof, she now could not be left in the kitchen to do anything. Understandably, she was resistant to the loss of activities that she was used to and as I took over meal preparation and personal care, she was not happy.

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As a certified music therapist, I was keenly aware that I might be able to offer my Mom support for her mind, body, emotions and spirit with music therapy interventions. So over the period of five months that she received a thorough work-up ordered by the specialist, I brought items to keep her mind stimulated; a crossword book early on and later a simple picture puzzle. Some days she was able to do crosswords by herself and we could also do them together. She had consistently had difficulty with the puzzle. 

Mom

We would keep the radio on with oldies music during the day and she would sing sometimes. She also enjoyed scrabble once in a while and every night could still play cards with my Dad, a shared activity they had between them throughout their marriage.

I would sometimes sing for her before bed, if she wanted this. She didn't always want a song.

When we finally received the diagnosis six months after her first episode, that this was mixed dementia — Lewy-body and vascular, I attempted to offer my Mom an opportunity to express how she felt now that this condition was definite, just as I would have in a music therapy session. However, she remained her usual stoic self in responding, but I saw her head hang slightly and she looked a little despondent.

The condition we noticed seemed to heighten all her less than wonderful qualities such as sarcasm and mockery. This was difficult to receive, even for someone who had supported many dementia clients as I had.

I had to resign myself to overstand that our personal relationship and dynamic as mother and daughter, which included her needing my help, but not really wanting it from me would effect my attempts to use my music therapy interventions each time I was present.

My Mom was a vibrant woman and seeing the light in her eyes dim and the witty, joyful part of her personality be hi-jacked has been difficult to watch. I could only imagine what she was and still is going through. It must be frightening for her, but she never admits this. She was always very proud and matter-a-fact about health challenges. She just faced any issue head on.

These days a year later, she is holding her own, still recognizes family and friends for which we are grateful. Knowing how there was always singing in her beautiful mezzo-soprano voice around house, recently I have been encouraging singing together on our phone calls and that is an active music therapy intervention I have utilized in sessions.

Regardless, I am always going to be daughter first, not music therapist with my Mom living with dementia. 

And I am at peace with that.